Sometimes it's a Struggle

Right now, I am in a very low place with my illness and its process. In fact, this is the worst condition I have ever experienced since my initial collapse in 1979. I have developed a complication that, according to medical journals, is found only in post operative complications, or in the dying. There is no treatment, and everyday is a struggle with this life threatening complication.  For those who wonder what it is : paralytic illeus. My doctor believes it's neurological. This is not something I was prepared for... I didn't know it existed. It's taken over 1 year to determine that it is neurological. An administrator at the clinic where mt doctor works asked me, "How does it feel to be at the cutting edge of a new disease?" The question shocked me. My immediate response was to her was "Like hell."
New disease???? I've had it over 30 years!

Things have been made  more nightmarish by a type of insomnia that seems to be neurological. No amount of medication has allowed me to sleep. Part of the problem here may is that my reactions to chemicals (ingested and airborne) &  foods has changed suddenly, so I have to learn all over again how to deal with everything. Some examples: sedatives make me hyper. Yogurt gives me a migraine. Perfume closes off my airway. I have always had Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, but it's gone to a whole new level.

I have hesitated to share any of this, because I wanted the blog to be honest, but somewhat uplifting.

Toni Bernhard's new book, How to Be Sick is sitting beside me everyday.
I am reminded to be empty of expectations.
But, sometimes it's a struggle.

*Note: Toni's book is not just for Dharma students. It is helpful for anyone chronically ill, or those who love someone chronically ill.